What’s the matter with the Germans? They love the alternative for crazy people, interview faction leaders, complain about Koeppen’s “pigeons in the grass” and watch the “Today Show”. Nobody can keep up – except for one: our columnist.
Dear readers, the wait is over: Here it is again, the Schmoll-Ecke, the Saturday gem of constructive journalism that relentlessly reveals the positive sides of crises. Wasn’t it wonderful that there were so many millionaires in 1923? Everyone was equal, there were only the super-rich: anyone could throw money around or burn it – because everyone had enough of it. Wasn’t the world much fairer then than it is today? It’s all a matter of perspective.
Ten years later, a migrant came from Austria and explained to the Germans that they were Aryans and something very special, better than the rest of the world. Unfortunately, millions of organic New Aryans believed him. It all ended with a rude awakening and the realization that the migrant had lied. Nobody had disenchanted the nasty Ösi in time, because talk shows and Twitter didn’t exist 100 years ago, nor did a Böhmi who could throw her mistake at a talk show host, let’s give her the fictitious name Sandra Fleischberger: “Sandra Fleischberger invites Nazis in their talk show, so that after the Nazis seized power, Sandra Fleischberger would also be invited to their talk show.”
Where there is no Böhmi, there is mischief. That’s how the nasty Ösi was able to govern, without a coalition and such, he was in charge, nobody disputed his claim to leadership, the Bio-Neu-Aryans accepted the immigrant as their number one leader, stretched out his right arm and held it up at an angle . And so the Third Reich came into being. That must not happen again, a Fourth Reich would really be one Reich too much of evil. Resist the beginnings! The alternative for crazy people that promises everyone “Germany. But normal” is not allowed to say disgusting stuff on talk shows and explain their non-existent program, even if the demand is tough, even tougher than Kruppstahl, and the respondents quickly wriggle out, faster as greyhounds.
But be careful, I have to be careful what I write again so that I don’t get any mail from readers saying that what “you writer” write has nothing to do with constructive journalism, but is just brown-eyed by an old white man who isn’t only a few slats are missing, but the whole fence. Something like that.
What does Aiwanger mean?
I try my best. Recently, Mr. Aiwanger, a person who is allowed to participate in government in Bavaria as a result of a democratic election, made an “announcement to the media”: “Finally stand by the side of the normal population”. And: “Reports more about normal people and not about the 17-year-old climate glue from a rich family.” But what are we going to get excited about in the future? About the common people? Boring.
It looks like Mr. Aiwanger doesn’t read the sulky corner. Because I never report on the 17-year-old climate glue, I don’t even know his name and certainly not his parents’ ownership structure. It would be interesting to find out whether the young man has shares in Henkel, the manufacturer of Pattex, and thus participates in the increased consumption of adhesives, which would once again prove the double standards of these people. Preventing normal people and crazy people from going to work and then getting rich with Henkel securities – that’s not possible at all.
That is certainly what Mr. Aiwanger means when he states that the time has come for “the silent large majority” in Germany to “take back democracy”. Now the fact is that the silent vast majority is very lazy and doesn’t feel like saying anything out loud, preferring to bawl. And when she gets something, it’s a beer that loosens her tongue. Then the secrecy ends, songs are sung loudly: “My puff mom’s name is Layla, she’s prettier, younger, hornier.” Or the forbidden verse of the national anthem. No state can be made with such people, at most a Fourth Reich. But we prevent that.
Thinking is fun
I ask you and me: What’s the matter with the Germans? They sing strange songs, choose the alternative for crazy people, interview parliamentary group leaders and boycott Wolfgang Koeppen’s “Tauben im Gras” because the masterpiece speaks the way people spoke in the post-war period, because the Greens didn’t exist yet. The novel contains the word, which I will not write down and will not abbreviate with an N, because otherwise everyone – despite the clever disguise – would know which word is meant.
Because young people learn in school and are not supposed to reflect or abstract, they have to do without Koeppen’s book with the word that should not be mentioned here. Then rather “Transit” by Anna Seghers. But be careful: there is talk of “refugees”. And good people know that the word “refugee” has a dubious word structure, the ending “-ling” is found in words with predominantly negative connotations such as Fiesling, clerk, darling or klingelingeling. Let’s make refugee the F-word and better rephrase “Transit” to make the world politically correct: “Before my eyes, the vanguard of F-words poured out, with their torn flags of all nations and creeds.”
F-words are welcome, everyone and forever. No one is deported once they have made it to Mutti’s country. Before anyone shakes their head: I didn’t mean it that way. As is well known, cynicism can do anything. Just not satire. That’s why I don’t write for the “Today Show”, the program that ridicules state and democratically legitimate authorities week after week and yet is not observed by the Office for the Protection of the Constitution. It must be a pain in the ass to work there. One should not participate in ridiculing those who think differently and in stirring up sentiment against them. Satire must not engage in narrowing the discourse. And so on.
Personally, I think that people who think differently should and must be able to think differently than other people who think differently. Otherwise they would not be dissidents. We have freedom of thought in Germany. We are the land of poets and dissidents. Thinking is also fun. I think different thoughts every day. I think from dawn to dusk, even thinking about what I might think differently next. You won’t believe what I’m dealing with. Not only with the search for the truth and answers to my eternal questions as to why nobody saw Van Gogh’s genius during his lifetime and whether Liszt’s B minor Sonata has a programmatic character, which I assume. But I also think differently than other people who think differently. What am I trying to say? Think about it (differently).
